White Lesbians, Biracial Baby and Bigotry

I’m so angry about the stupidity surrounding the story about the white lesbians who accidentally received some African American sperm and ended up with a biracial baby.

Jennifer Cramblett with her daughter Payton.
Jennifer Cramblett with her daughter Payton.


Last week this story broke about two white lesbians, suing the sperm bank for receiving an African American man’s sperm, rather than the white, blue-eyed blonde haired man’s sperm they had ordered. Ok, I know on the surface this could look like these women are bigots. But they aren’t and I’ll tell you why.

In a nutshell, two white lesbians in Ohio ordered some sperm and came out with a black baby. According to the court documents, they bonded with the baby and love her very much. But for the past two years they have been running into problems connected to her race. First of all, they live in a very bigoted town. Secondly, the grandparents are bigoted. And thirdly, they have to travel to a more racially diverse area to get their daughter’s hair cut, where they feel unwelcome.

Ok, that third one does make them look a little like bigots. Facing your own white privilege comes with some challenges. They are still early on in their journey toward learning how to talk about race, for sure.

Right now, and for the past two years, I can guarantee that they have been facing their own internalized white privilege. Now, they are publicly discussing why having a child of another race is difficult for them. Admitting that parenting a child of another race has subjected them to taunts and accusations from both sides of the racial coin.

White folks are horrified that a white person would admit they feel challenged by parenting a black child. It forces the white community to admit that racism still exists. It sure is a lot easier to just call them racists and go back to their quiet little lives where no white people are racists unless they talk about race.

And on the other side of the coin, some African American writers are mocking the white folks who have been “inconvenienced” by blackness. It’s not an inconvenience to raise a child of color. It’s a joy, just like raising any child. But for white parents raising a child of color, there comes the added emotional expense of coming to realizations that their skin color changes the way you have to parent and live your life. It comes with the realization that their skin color could subject them to violence. There comes with it the knowledge that they will experience hate in forms that you, as a white parent, cannot possibly understand how it feels. They will experience institutionalized prejudice at school. They will experience prejudice from well-meaning, yet ignorant, older, family members. They will see the disparities in the toy section, and so too, will you. And it will piss you off. They will read multitudes of books where their skin color is either completely left out, or used with derision, sometimes purposeful, sometimes not. They will watch television shows where they are always in the minority or being used as a stereotype. You, as a parent, will also see these things and you’ll feel guilty and angry at the same time.

If you were unprepared to deal with that as a parent, it’s fucking scary to come to those realizations as your child is growing up and it’s happening right in front of your eyes. I wonder if African Americans come to those same realizations in the same manner, or if they feel prepared for it beforehand? I would imagine that it is a horrendous mixture of prior knowledge and new fears that come with being a parent. Raising a black child in this country is tough. It forces you to acknowledge that everything in this country is set up for white people to be successful and to oppress black people. And if you’re not prepared for it, then you need support in forms of community and mental health.

In any case, Jennifer Cramblett and her partner are suing for approximately $50,000 and are planning on moving to a more diverse community. They need extra money for moving expenses and regular therapy.

This seems pretty damn reasonable to me.

If these women were ignorant or racist, as the articles and comments are suggesting, then they could have easily given up the baby for adoption and gotten some more sperm, quietly and without any fuss. Rather, they fell in love with the child who Jennifer Cramblett carried for nine months. They have been raising her and giving her love for two years. They have been worrying about her future. They sound like pretty typical parents to me.

To me, this tells me that they love her unconditionally, but they are smart enough to realize that they are going to face some challenges. This tells me that these women are being practical about what life holds for their family. Shit costs money. The sperm bank was incompetent. Jennifer and Amanda need to change the way they live in order to raise Payton successfully. Not to mention, that the sperm bank should be held accountable for their mistake, another practical reason for the lawsuit.


I’ve seen comments calling these women hateful bigots. Really?

Anyone who is a part of the LGBT community has had to endure plenty of bigotry in their lives. There is only so much social justice a body can stand up for without having some sort of mental breakdown. These are the things that keep people up at night.

I don’t know these women, but I’m guessing they’ve endured bigotry enough to last a lifetime. And now on top of all that, they now have to raise a child in a world they were, admittedly(!), completely unprepared for. Saying, in public, that they know raising a black child is a challenge and they feel fucking scared to do it, is brave. So brave.

But they are taking on that task because they love their daughter. I give them props for being brave enough to file this lawsuit to bring to the forefront the challenges of raising a black child in a white world. To admit their fear. And to expose that fear to their community.

These women are not the bigots here. They have clarity of mind. They see their world for what it is and they are publicly admitting that they cannot raise their daughter there. Because they love her. They are doing what good parents do. Protecting their child.

Not only that, they are brave enough to publicly acknowledge the white privilege aspects of their own world that they have had to challenge in their own minds. That’s not bigotry folks. It’s bravery.

It’s not easy to admit in public that, as a white person, you are being forced to acknowledge ugliness in your world due to your skin color.

I’m sure that these women are not perfect. But what parent is?

Sure, it’s possible this lawsuit will have a negative effect on their daughter’s self esteem as some are suggesting. But who knows, perhaps she will see the challenges her mothers faced and be inspired. Hopefully they will use this part of their past to show her that she should always stand up for herself, rather than let the world tell you you’re wrong, when you know you’re right.

Read the court documents here 

One Comment

  1. says:

    October 11, 2014 at 8:44 pm

    I don’t know how it’s being reported elsewhere. The article you linked to is pretty clear that this couple has invested serious time and energy into figuring out how to raise their daughter in a way that will be beneficial to her.

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