So, it happened again recently. Only this time, Annika was near by and happened to playing with the little girl who asked her mom, within our earshot, “Is that her mommy?”
We were at the YMCA swimming. Annika found one of the girl’s toys and began playing with it. They soon began playing together. But I could tell that the more they interacted, the more curious the other little girl became about us.
I can always see it coming with the kids. They look at Annika. Then at me. Then back at her. Then back at me. Then the question begins to formulate in their minds. If no parents are nearby, I get questioned.
I’ve been asked, the same variation from multiple children over the years, but it’s usually something as inelegant as, “Is she your daughter?”
Only because I am a parent and because I’m familiar with what’s behind the question do I manage to answer their true question. “Is she adopted?”
When it happened this time, the girl asked her mother, but right in front of me, close enough for me to hear the question. Her mother said yes, and quickly explained to her that Annika was indeed my daughter. Then turned to me immediately and said, “She is, right? I mean, is she adopted?” And the rest of the question hung in the air, waiting for me to fill in the blanks.
I answered quickly, giving an explanation to the daughter that I know her white mother probably won’t, unless she was planning to wait and do it later.
“Yes, I’m her mom. Her daddy has brown skin and I have white skin, so that’s why she’s got brown skin. She’s a mixture of us both.”
As far as I know, this is the first time Annika has been old enough or close by enough to understand the question. And even then, I’m not sure how much she absorbed. But as with all things race-related, it seemed it was time for me to bring it up to her. From various sources, I’ve learned that one of the pangs of being biracial is getting asked throughout your life the question, “Are you adopted?” Or worse, people just assuming it.
So, this time, I brought it up.
“Did you hear that little girl ask her mom if you were adopted?” I said to her as we were toweling off.
“Yes,” she said, seemingly unperturbed. She knows what adopted means. Her “boyfriend” from her class last year is adopted, as well as his younger brother. They are very open about it and she learned all about adoption through playground discussions.
“Do you know why people think you’re adopted sometimes?” I asked her, pressing the issue. I think it’s better to prepare her for these questions ahead of time.
Nope, was her answer. Again, not seeming to care.
“It’s because we have different skin colors.” I told her.
“Oh.” Again, whatever.
“I’m NOT adopted,” she added emphatically and went about her business.
As we left the Y, I wondered if she will continue not caring much. Or if it will become a thorn in her side.
Some people of color seem to let things roll of their backs more than others. I’ve heard stories from varying ends of the spectrum. I don’t know if there is a preferred way to face it. I mean, we all have things in our lives that aren’t that pleasant. And in the grand scheme of things, getting asked all the time if you’re adopted is probably one of the less annoying/irritating things about racism. Sure, people are curious. As a curious person myself, I don’t begrudge people their questions. But I wonder, as the world becomes more and more multicultural if there will come a time when it won’t seem so unusual to see a brown child with a white mom and immediately wonder if the child is adopted.
August 21, 2013 at 6:39 pm
A. should probably hang out around more autistic kids who cannot even register that anyone could be that different from their own selves. It helps if the autistic kid has three biracial cousins who he understands to be a” little light and a little dark, but that have the same nose as Daisy.” Parents look different, kids look different, and frank discussions regarding the pleiotropic genetic effects of skin color are necessary. Have we not all learned that, in the absence of frank conversations regarding race, children draw incorrect conclusions about differences in appearance? Jeebus.
August 23, 2013 at 7:03 am
Unfortunately, we haven’t all learned that Heather. You’re just one of the more educated ones.
August 22, 2013 at 8:16 pm
“Have we not all learned that, in the absence of frank conversations regarding race, children draw incorrect conclusions about differences in appearance?”
Which shouldn’t be surprising really, because in the absence of frank conversations regarding almost any topic, children draw incorrect conclusions from whatever limited information they have. Hence my three year old’s insistence that construction workers were never women… because 100% of the people he knew who did construction work were the guys working on the road down the street from our house.
But obviously incorrect conclusions about the gender makeup of the construction industry are less potentially damaging than incorrect conclusions about this kind of stuff!
August 26, 2013 at 8:43 am
I see why we call it “curiosity” but let’s delve into that a little more. Are White kids of White parents “curious” about other White kids with White parents being adopted? Many are adopted. . . . . As parents we race our children. By what we say to our and around our children in our homes as commentary to the media we watch and listen to and in our family conversations. Our children absorb all of that and that is where they learned that it is ok – maybe even expected that the ask the “Are you adopted?” or the other popular one is “Where are you from?” questions. It is not simple curiosity. Don’t get me wrong – I am not ascribing malicious motives to the children nor the parents asking the questions. But colluding with racism starts young and children learn to race others the way they were taught. White children of White parents have the most to gain from increasing their racial awareness at a young age. By the tie they are adults, Whites in the US will be the minority (in 30 years is the current prediction). White parents of White kids are doing their children a disservice if they don’t increase their own race awareness too.
August 26, 2013 at 8:56 am
Thank you Jennifer.