Sometimes I think that parenting needs a 12-step program.
I’m a believer in the theory of unconditional parenting as proposed by Alfie Kohn in his book Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason.
However, belief by itself doesn’t always translate into action.
I’m in the midst of re-reading the book because I’ve begun to notice after some time that my language has become more and more conditional since reading this book when Annika was a toddler.
If you’re not familiar with the theory, let me try to give a brief explanation. (Or you can read more here.)
It’s a complex theory, so really it’s best to read the book.
But basically it says that the use of punishments and rewards conditions children, therefore putting a condition on the parental love, leaving them with insecurities.
The judgments, even positive ones, that we use with our children affect how they think we love them.
Unconditional parenting says that a parent’s unconditional love should be evident in our language and actions. Kohn says in the book, “…the relevant question isn’t just whether — or even how much– we love our kids. It also matters how we love them.”
How we love our children matters.
The ideas in his book really spoke to me when I first read it and I began putting into practice removing judgments and empty praise from my language. I took the words, “good job” and tossed them out of my parenting language. I don’t say anything when she does something new like open a heavy door, or help me carry groceries, or clean up her toys without prodding.
There’s meaning in the unspoken.
I began using constructive words to describe her creative efforts, her attempts at sports, and other toddler/preschool learning activities. Things like, “You used contrasting colors in that picture.” Or, “You kicked the ball really straight and hard.”
The idea behind that is to point out what was good or useful instead of offering empty praise.
Adding to that stuff, I made a habit of telling Annika that I love her and give her a hug and/or kiss, immediately after she’s thrown a tantrum, (or when I’ve lost it yelled at her).
Kohn says that using conditional parenting, mainstream advice would tell us to punish “bad” behavior. But using unconditional parenting, the parent realizes that a tantrum is a sign that something is wrong, and that’s the time when our children need our unconditional love the most.
It’s something I continue to struggle with. There are times when I just want to squash the tantrum. Or I lose my temper and my patience.
These ideas that we should allow anger and annoying behavior are not things we’ve been taught. They go against all the typical parenting patterns in our society.
But I think they are worthy habit changes and I am looking for some new ones to add to the mix as she ages.
So, I’m working on it. But it doesn’t come naturally. And I fall back into using mainstream language when I’m not paying attention. I nitpick. I roll my eyes behind her back. I yell sometimes. It’s hard to change even when you know better. And part of that is because of conditioning.
It’s something I have to continue to watch.
I noticed that my language had started to reflect more mainstream mantras a few months ago when I was teaching Annika to play “tennis” (really it was a plastic ball with badminton rackets from the dollar store).
So, she’s only 3, right. It had never even occurred to me that she would actually be able to hit the ball with a racket. But she wanted to try. Hey, I am all for that. If my kid wants to learn something new, we do it.
So, after a few lessons on stance and modeling the serve, she got it! (Sort of.) I was so excited I jumped up and down shouting, “WOW! GOOD JOB! GOOD JOB!” Then I quickly added, “YOU DID IT ALL BY YOURSELF!” And then I added more constructive feedback as we continued to play while I mentally kicked myself.
Although, I don’t think the random “good job” is going to do any long-term damage to her psyche, I wonder just how much other conditioning I’ve done without realizing it.
Everywhere you turn, you hear parents congratulating their kids on things that they don’t need to be congratulated for.
Children get rewards for the most ridiculous things in our society. Peeing in the toilet. Eating vegetables. Helping pick up toys when they are happy to do it. Reading. (Really? As a childhood reader, that one really annoys me.)
In my mind, these are just facts of life. Things that you need to learn. Giving rewards for them seems hollow at best, detrimental at the worst.
But parents are in a rush for their kids to learn or keep up these habits. It’s a systemic problem from an immature society with a selfish need for everything to happen on a timetable instead of allowing things to progress naturally. We are a convenience society and it has extended to our parenting in the form of conditioning.
Nobody seems to think about how we teach, just that they do it. Is that really the kind of society we want to raise? People who are conditioned into doing things for a reward instead of doing it out of joy?
It’s one of those sick and twisted lies that our culture keeps propagating. It’s not even an elephant in the room because everyone sees this elephant and keeps patting it on the back and telling it “good job.”
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This sounds similar to Love & Logic, which I have read twice, and either need to read again, or I need to chuck it as not my style. But I do agree that we shouldn’t throw “good jobs” at our kids. It can often make them so eager to please us that they will do ANYTHING to get a good job, and that next thing may not be something we want them to do. I also try to give them constructive feedback like “You worked really hard on that!” or “You are making some interesting designs on your painting!” But we all fall into the old habits that have been programmed into us.
The worst one that I admit my husband shamefully does, and even me when I’m desperate? Rewarding them for eating their dinner. Because you’re so desperate to get those green beans in their bellies!
I’ve never read Love and Logic and I think there might be some similarities in the application, but I don’t think the theories are the same. I’ve heard some things about LL that make me a bit nauseous, but that could just be one person’s interpretation. I think it’s a bit more hard core than UP.
And yeah, I’m definitely guilty of the occasional food bribery even though my philosophy surrounding food is the complete opposite! This parenting stuff is hard.
I’m going to be honest here and say that as much I started out trying to say things that Alfie Kohn would approve of, it just isn’t that easy when you have 3 kids in 4 years. In fact, Alfie Kohn has really begun to annoy me with his strong stance about the “perils of rewards”.
As a grown up, when you do a good job at work you get a raise. My employers (and many others) do an annual employee recognition ceremony where people get plaques for years of service, and then we get fun gifts for being “most friendly”, “most punctual”, and stuff like that. Being told that you’re doing a good job hasn’t scarred me for life! In fact, it feels pretty good! The fact is that our whole society is based on a system of rewards (paychecks are a reward for work, right?) I kind of think it is a disservice to kids to not prepare them for that reality. Alfie Kohn worries that kids won’t do good things for the sake of doing good things anymore if we say “Good Job!” but I have never seen any evidence of that. In 11 years of parenting and 15 years of teaching, I’ve never seen a kid become damaged because someone praised them. Kids still do good things for the sake of doing good things, even if they’ve received some praise. By nature, humans are compassionate beings (although it doesn’t always seem like it. We must be or we’d have blown up the planet a long time ago!)
Great post! (oops!!! did that praise damage your psyche?
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Ha! Funny. No, your post didn’t damage me. (I know you were joking.) But I do think that too much praise can be detrimental. I know it was for me, growing up. I think that various parenting methods speak to various parents for a variety of reasons. This one happens to resonate with me due to some of my own childhood issues. Doesn’t mean he’s right. But I’m sticking with it.
However, I do agree that it’s not easy and I don’t take a hard line stance on it. If it’s detrimental, then I’ll pay for therapy, and keeping my fingers crossed that a little here and there will just feel good.
Oh, and does it do a disservice not to prepare our kids for the realities of our current life? I don’t know if I agree with that so much. There are lots of things that have changed with each generation, perhaps this will be one that changes with the next one, and why do we as parents continue to believe that the world will remain the same when our children are adults, when it never does? But I suppose that’s a whole different post.
I kind of like teaching kids how the world currently works, letting them see that their are options, and then letting them choose whether they want to buck the system or not. Being different can be really really hard (that’s the baggage I carry from my own past and how I spent my years in therapy
I was not on the receiving end of too much praise. In fact, I can’t even imagine what that would be like. My world was one where nothing was ever good enough. I still haven’t gotten over that kind of thinking, either.
Many of my students are labeled “failures” in traditional schools and have never received any praise at home (think Bender from “The Breakfast Club.” Coming from my background and working where I do, I guess I’ve never come across a person who’s received too much praise. Kids on the opposite end of that spectrum need some positivity, and that’s why I get so irked with Alfie Kohn. If you’ve never ever measured up to anyone’s standard–not even your own– a little bit of praise can help a whole lot.
I think that this topic might deserve a second post. I have too many thoughts.