Dr-logging: The second installation

The first time I ever got drunk I was 15. I snuck out of my house with a friend to meet a boy she liked and he brought along his uncle.

I’m not sure how old he was, but he was definitely an adult. It seemed like he was in his 30s. He treated me nicely though and I had fun. Now that I’m older, I realize that I was lucky to have a met a respectful man who didn’t take advantage of my stupid 15-year-old naivete mixed with vodka and orange juice.

The second time I got drunk was about two years later. My brother bought me and my best friend some wine coolers and laughed at us as we fools of ourselves. That’s not a judgment on him. Hell, I would have done the same. He was only 20 or 21 at the time. The point is, I was lucky to be in situations where drinking didn’t lead me to getting raped or killed in a drunk driving accident.

Oh wait. I’m sorta drunk.

Yeah, this is my second installation of drunk blogging. I’m thinking of making this a weekly installation. Let me know what you think.

See, the thing is, I’ve realized that my blog has sort of morphed into an extension of me. There’s the harsh, drinking, ex-drugging, sexually promiscuous side, which is me during my early 20s and early 30s.

Then there’s this mommy side of me that’s been more spiritually aware, softer, more genuine side who loves babies and is constantly intrigued by my child, who is in all honesty, cute-as-a-button, but also, just a normal kid. She is amazing to me simply because she’s my daughter.

So, this leads me to say what I have to say about my blog.

Fuck you my man.

Okay, not really. I just threw that in because I’m drunk.

And something else, all the shit that has been going on in my life, not cool.

No, it is not cool for you to take advantage of me.

No, it is not cool for you to act like you know something that you don’t know.

No, it is not cool to harass me, even if you are the person who gave birth to me. It is definitely not cool to take credit for my life or my awareness. I did a lot of fucking hard work to get where I am today. So fuck you.

You know who you are.

Let me tell you a little something about me.

I’m a drunk. I don’t get drunk all the time anymore like I used to. But if I go by the common definition of a drunk, I’m still a drunk.

I’m also a good mom. I’m a damn good mom. I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. But I’m a good mom. I research shit. I work on my patience. I try damn hard to treat my child like she is a human being. I work damn hard to understand her developmental stages and respond accordingly.

Most people would say that being a drunk and being a good mom doesn’t go hand in hand.

But let me tell you something about the mom world.

It is filled with disease and hatred and misunderstanding.

I was talking to an AP mama friend this morning. She said something so profound that I feel the need to share it with you, my readers. She said (and I’m paraphrasing here), “People don’t seem to make logical jumps when it comes to parenting.”

She expounded on that thought and we both laughed about how mainstream parenting says that you should let babies cry it out, then start spanking and giving harsh punishments to children. And then, right, and THEN, they wonder why their children are fucked up.

It’s actually a lot like the world of being drunk.

There’s denial and misunderstanding and a bunch of bullshit.

Being a mom doesn’t give you automatic rights to being a nice person. It just gives you a world where women flock around you and pat you on the back, telling you that you’re doing a good job. But the truth is, you’re still the same fucked up person you were before you gave birth. You’re still a drunk, a slut, a goody-two-shoes, a judgmental bitch, an animal lover, a hopeless romantic, a reader, a TV watcher, a gardener, a cook, a lazy-ass, a smart-ass, a dumb-ass, a poor housekeeper, a slob, a fat-ass, a skinny bitch… a human being.

Becoming a mother doesn’t give you any special rights. If anything, I gives you less rights because it is a fucking gift to be able to give birth to a child and watch a person grow. You don’t own me. I don’t own Annika. She is her own person. I am my own fucking person.

I apologize for the fact that this wasn’t as funny as the last Drlogging. I meant it to be, but I have been really fucking angry this week.

Here’s a picture of Annika and me with Leslie, an Austin institution. It’s blurry as shit because my phone sucks. But there you go.

3 Comments

  1. Aileen says:

    June 25, 2010 at 9:36 pm

    Hey, Martha—

    I'm catching up on reading…2:30am and I'm wide awake, haha! (I hope you're still enjoying sleeping through the night.)

    Anyway, I don't know what you're going through right now, but I just wanted to say that I hope things get better soon and that I am glad I met you through Ashley. What you wrote here is real. Not a lot of people have the courage to be real.

    And, even though I'm not the best example of AP living (even though I really, really try and am running out of ideas for how to deal with the dumping of the water and the hitting/kicking), I think you're a great mom. It doesn't give us special privileges, like you said, but it is a special bond — you're the only one she'll ever have — and it feels good to be surrounded by folks like you who realize that it doesn't make any sense to leave your child to STTN at 2 months old (heartbreaking to read on my FB updates) or hit your child for hitting, ha!

    Ok, have to run back upstairs.

    Love that pic of you guys and Leslie!

  2. says:

    June 26, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    Man, I love this! It is raw, harsh, brutal, honest, very, very real, like Aileen said, and very, very touching. And heartbreaking. And empowering. And triumphant.

    You are rocking the mother thing, and the human being thing too, "mistakes" and all! I feel privileged to know you 'out here,' and to be learning from you.

    P.S. I am NOT trying to egg you on, BUT since you're going to drink anyway 😉 . . . I love the drlogging!

  3. Martha says:

    June 28, 2010 at 3:57 am

    Aileen, I'm glad I met you too! I don't think anybody is a perfect example of AP. What I think separates us, is that we DO try. Keep trying girl. You are an awesome mama! And yes, you are right. It does feel good to be surrounded by other mamas who are trying to do the same thing. I just try to keep everything in perspective.

    Connie, I love that you get how important mistakes are. Mistakes can make us stronger, making us better for having done them. But we have to acknowledge them. Living in denial doesn't do anyone any good.

    I know that we ALL know that, deep inside, but those of us who have made more mistakes than the average person can see how life-changing they can be. And yes, sometimes even for the better. I am so glad to have met you too. And to be learning from YOU!

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